It is my annual birthday post, which I have written for the last twenty years. This is birthday number thirty-eight. I have not written anything substantial this year. I don’t feel like writing because films are nothing to write about. I started a few draft posts on Jigra, The Mehta Boys, and Superboys of Malegaon, which I never finished. Secondly, I don’t feel like writing anything because I have been occupied with many other things. Work, personal, etc. I have mentioned it before, but things have been working out for me. It has been six months, and it is just what it is. The last twelve months have been some of the worst of my life. In a moment of vulnerability, I told my friend T (the only friend who now talks to me these days) that I have never been as miserable as I have been in the last twelve months. I had also been working on something for the previous few months, and it did not work out either. It has been frustrating and helpless, but I don’t tell anyone these things because they are my problems. A few kind people sometimes reach out to me when they occasionally read some earlier post, but what do I tell them?
Routine has been my only companion for the last year. I go to work and come back home. I go to the gym and come home. I cook the same thing daily. I drink the same thing daily. I get one free drink from the café at work and order one iced tea daily. The baristas know I will get that, and they don’t even bother asking. They smile and say, “You want the iced tea, right?” I watch Jeopardy while completing my steps. This routine keeps me going.
Work has been okay. Work has not been okay. Two people in my team left in the last few months, and there is no one to do that work, so I am effectively doing a three-person job. It is a thankless job because you know how it is these days. We are all dispensable. Every day, I tell myself I will finish all my pending tasks, but new ones keep coming. That is the new standard these days. What else to do? Ek toh I am not smart also kuch apna kar sakun.
I have been going to work even on weekends. My manager asked me why I am coming on weekends. I feel lonely and isolated at home. So, I have made it a point to get out of it daily to be active. Otherwise, I go into a spiral of negative thoughts. That is why I go to the office. There is also a quietness in the office that I like. I go to any random seat on the topmost floor of my building. I can see the entire city from there. And, if I have to do office work, I get it done there faster.
I read this book by a former colleague, who mentions her career and how she remained stuck. I felt she was telling my story. The same things happened to me, and I had similar experiences. You know that line, “Apna time aayega.” Mera toh time chala bhi gaya. I was such a smart kid in school, but, like in other things, life has also not worked out for me here. Even at the gym, I have plateaued. I have been going for five days, and now my trainer says to do six days. It takes years to build that body.
However, one thing that I did was get my driver’s license, and I will finally get a car soon. I know it is shocking that I did not know how to drive until now. Ladkon ko toh vaise hi aa jaati hai, but being the loser I am, I did not know. I never learned it, nor did I want to learn it earlier, but this year, I had to because I wanted to leave my home. I want to travel by myself. So, I finally joined a driving school last year, and after four months, I got my license this year.
And to keep busy, I have been reading many books these days. I have read about fifteen books this year. I used to buy physical books, but have only read digital books this year. I read them faster on my phone. Every day, when commuting or covering my steps on the treadmill, I can read many more pages on my phone. I have always loved contemporary political history and have read many books in this genre. One thing we realize when we read history is that everything in the present has had some connection to the past. These things have always happened, so the present is not unique except for a black swan event (such as Covid, perhaps). It is a continuation of the past.
I also want to start this meetup group. I will make new friends because my friends don’t bother talking to me anymore. Koi baat nahi karta ab. Sab busy ho jaate hain. Or they only ping when they want something. My colleagues are not in Seattle, so it is like always talking to virtual people. Only my mother talks to me and cares about me, but I don’t feel like talking to her because she remains worried about me.
And this year, the cold has affected me quite severely. Seattle winters are dark and wet. It may not rain much, but it is always overcast and cold. I used to be okay with it; however, this time, it has made me feel depressed. I miss the sun. Seattle is not the place for me. Besides, people don’t talk much here. I don’t feel safe. Crime has increased, and I see armed guards standing watch whenever I go to the grocery store. Half of the things are locked. But then, when it comes to which place to go, I cannot decide.
My friend told me today that I hope it works out for you this year. I got a bit emotional. Bas aise hi chal raha hai. Sab aage badhte jaa rahe hain, main peeche jaata ja raha hun. Happy birthday to me.