For example, you might be concerned that someone is habitually late and slow to text back. Is it because they’re selfish and disrespectful or because they’re actually just slammed at work? You can’t know for sure until you venture deeper.
Yellow flags provide the perfect opportunity to practise clear communication—a lynchpin of any successful relationship. “If your partner is open to feedback and willing to work on the issue, the issue might be a yellow flag,” says Giolitti-Wright. “But if they get defensive, minimise your concerns, or refuse to change, that yellow flag quickly turns red.”
Red flags to watch out for
To that end, red flags tend to stick around even after they’ve been addressed. They are patterns, not one-offs. “Red flags are serious warning signs that appear repeatedly and often intensify despite discussion. These rarely transform quickly or easily, as these often stem from fundamental character issues or deeply rooted psychological patterns,” explains Dissanayake. “In these cases, protecting your well-being should take precedence over hopes for their improvement.”
Below, some of those red flags to look out for. Keep in mind that the list is not exhaustive. Remember, “your intuition matters,” says Dissanayake. “Persistent discomfort around someone is meaningful.”
Lack of accountability
“Pay special attention to how they speak about exes,” notes Dissanayake. “Consistent vilification of former partners suggests they avoid taking responsibility in relationships.” Another reminder: “Healthy relationships require emotional maturity, and a partner who can’t own their mistakes is unlikely to grow with you,” says Giolitti-Wright. Refusing to take responsibility for actions, shifting blame and dismissing your feelings are all troublesome signs of a lack of accountability.
Conflict avoidance or explosiveness
Similarly, someone who avoids conflict or can’t handle it productively won’t be a healthy partner long term. Conflict in a relationship is inevitable—there will be disagreements, misunderstandings and miscommunications. “That’s normal,” explains licensed marriage and family therapist Leanna Stockard. “But how a person engages in conflict is key. If a partner feels comfortable insulting you, calling you names, yelling, escalating to physical violence, or giving you the silent treatment, that’s a red flag.”
As it can be tricky to gauge how someone behaves in conflict during the smooth-sailing early stages of a relationship, Stockard recommends discussing the general idea of conflict as soon as possible. “Try to understand how they have navigated through conflict in the past, or how you would like to manage conflict as a couple,” she says.
Disrespect
How someone treats family members, friends, coworkers and strangers offers insight into their character. “If they’re dismissive, rude, or constantly criticise those around them, this pattern will eventually extend to you,” warns Dissanayake. Watch how they treat waitstaff, baristas and retail clerks, too.
Emotional manipulation
Emotional manipulation usually involves using your feelings and vulnerabilities against you to gain control. This can show up as guilt-tripping, the silent treatment, love-bombing, gaslighting, coercion, criticising, isolation, helplessness and regression. “If you feel like you’re constantly second-guessing yourself or walking on eggshells, that’s a sign of an unhealthy dynamic,” says Giolitti-Wright. Emotional manipulation is very common in people with personality disorders like narcissism, Giolitti-Wright adds.
Inability to regulate emotions
The ability to regulate emotions is an essential component of emotional maturity and emotional intelligence. “When a person allows emotions such as anger, sadness, guilt and fear to impair their ability to think clearly, it indicates a lack of control and understanding of their feelings,” explains Antoinette Bonafede Shine, a licensed clinical social worker and expert in personality disorders. This means they probably won’t be able to communicate their feelings productively to you: “If a person’s state of mind depends on their mood, their feelings control them rather than the other way around,” says Bonafede Shine. This can be brutal to deal with: Not only will you always be unsure of what might trigger the next impulsive reaction, but you’ll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Inconsistency
Words and actions should align. “A healthy relationship is built on consistency, not confusion,” says Giolitti-Wright. “If a partner says all the right things but their actions don’t match, that’s a warning sign.”
Inability to maintain long-term connections
Someone who cycles through jobs, projects, relationships, friendships and communities may have commitment, intimacy or vulnerability issues. “This pattern often indicates someone who leaves when things get difficult or who struggles with conflict resolution,” notes Dissanayake. “Look for evidence of stable, nurturing connections in their life.”
Impulsiveness
This may seem adventurous at first, but impulsivity can actually signify an inability to cope with uncomfortable feelings. “This can manifest in drug use, frivolous spending, risky behaviour such as unprotected sex and other unsafe behaviours,” says Bonafede Shine. “It often creates an environment where the partner views them as unpredictable or a wildcard.” Put another way? Impulsiveness can be a sign that you’re emotionally and even physically unsafe.
Defensiveness
Someone who is unable to receive feedback is usually also incapable of sustaining a long-term relationship because they can’t handle conflict in a healthy way. “The person may have been overly criticised as a child and did not have a good blueprint of how to solve emotional issues with a partner,” says licensed clinical social worker Dr. Deb Castaldo, PhD, who recommends looking out for defensive statements and excuses like “I never do that, you always do that,” “I’m not willing to change,” “You’re wrong and I’m right” during arguments.
Dismissiveness
Dismissiveness often starts small. Maybe you tell them that something they did hurt your feelings, and they say you’re overreacting or that it’s not a big deal. Or worse, they deny that it even happened in the first place. “You start questioning your reality—maybe you are too sensitive; maybe you remembered it wrong,” says Evon Inyang, a licensed associate marriage and family therapist. “This isn’t miscommunication, it’s gaslighting. If someone cares about you, they don’t try to convince you that your feelings aren’t real. They try to listen with curiosity and understand.”
Excessive or early jealousy
Jealousy can be a sabotaging behaviour and a form of manipulation. “At firs,t it can manifest as a need to protect, but it often comes with a need for control,” explains Bonafede Shine. “It comes from a place of mistrust, a feeling of being out of control and deep-rooted issues of low self-worth or self-esteem. It often leads to instigating arguments to prevent their partner from going out or even picking fights in public settings.”